Conflict is part of our life. It’s impossible for people to live or work together without ever experiencing differences in values, opinions, desires, needs, and habits. Everyone is aware of the negative aspects of conflict, but we tend to forget the positive ones. Conflict prods us into expressing, rather than suppressing our feelings. It shocks us out of our passivity, forcing us to think about what we have taken for granted, to change our customary ways of doing things, and to invent solutions to our problems. To go through life avoiding conflict is to confine oneself to superficial relationships and stagnation. Conflict is, in Bolton’s words, “a dangerous opportunity.”
Conflict Occurs When…
- One family member feels that others are threatening his or her values, perceptions, lifestyle, sense of fairness, or “territory.”
- Family members agree on the final goal but disagree on how to arrive at that point.
- There is not enough of something to go around. The “something” may be tangible (money, space, telephones) or intangible (time, attention, affection).
- Communication among family members has broken down.
For one or more of these reasons, you have reached an impasse. Unless you get beyond that impasse, hostility and resentment are likely to build, and nit-picking, teasing, criticism, yelling, avoidance of one another, and stony silences will increase.
Conflict can improve and invigorate family relationships by helping family members to understand one another better and to be more tolerant of their individual differences, leading them to clarify issues and ideas in a way that clears the air, and forcing them to redefine their goals or set new goals that are more satisfactory to everyone. When conflicts are resolved in a positive way, everyone wins.
Conflict harms family relationships when it takes the form of personality attacks and power struggles. Negative conflict leads to resentment and hostility; causes confusion, insecurity, and diminished self-esteem; and makes productive, rational discussion of issues and behavior in the future difficult, if not impossible. When family members are at war, nobody wins.
Your goal as a parent should be to resolve conflicts in a positive way, not to avoid or control them. Before you reject as wishful thinking the idea that conflicts can be useful, read what psychologists have learned from studying conflict in all kinds of settings, including families.
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