Single parents lead complex lives. Juggling the roles of wage earner, housekeeper, and parent, and making time for some semblance of a personal life as well isn’t easy. Most, though not all, single parents are women. Mostly work but have not been employed steadily; they took time off when their children were small. Most have less money than the average two-parent family, and if they are divorced, less than they had when they were married. Many are coping with the emotional aftermath of a divorce and the social awkwardness of becoming single again.
Maintaining Authority
The biggest issue for single parents with adolescents is control. Single parents tend to grant more independence to their children than other parents do. This can be good for adolescents up to a point. Adolescents need firmness as well as freedom.
Authoritative parenting takes time and energy, both of which are in short supply in single-parent homes. Establishing rules and monitoring the teenager’s activities are much easier when there are two adults in the home. Single parents have to be “the heavy” all the time.
In part to make up for their feelings of guilt, divorced parents may bend over backward to make their children happy. In the absence of other adults in the house to support their decisions, they may give in to their child in order to be accepted. Adolescents may try to step into the absent parent’s shoes and present themselves as more mature than they really are. The overburdened single parent may not supervise the mature-seeming adolescent as closely as she would otherwise.
Because single parents are more likely to be permissive, their adolescents are somewhat more likely to get into trouble. If a single parent maintains an authoritative relationship, however, any problems that might develop can be averted.
Dating, Sex, and Live-In Lovers
It’s natural for a divorced parent to want to begin dating and entering into sexual relationships. How much of their personal life should single parents reveal to their adolescent? In our view, very little.
Adolescents are only beginning to formulate their ideas about dating, sexuality, and intimacy. Just as parents have a hard time accepting the development of sexuality in their adolescents, so adolescents find it hard to deal with the emergence or reemergence of sexuality in their parents. Whether because of unconscious desires for the parent of the opposite sex (the Oedipal triangle), or simply because they are insecure about the whole subject adolescents don’t like to think about their parents having sex. When parents stay married, adolescents tend to write off their expressions of physical intimacy as affection. When parents are single and dating, this self-deception is more difficult.
The best way to deal with the adolescent’s mixed feelings is not to bring home every person you have dinner (or more) with. Instead, meet new dates outside your home and tell your adolescent you are going out with a friend. If you begin seeing someone frequently, you might invite him or her to dinner, preferably with a group of friends the first time. Introduce your date as a friend, and ask him or her to act like one. If the adolescent asks whether Bill is your boyfriend, or Sandy your girlfriend, just say that you are friends and have a good time together. If the adolescent asks, point blank, whether you are going to bed together, we recommend saying something like “My sex life is not something I want to discuss with you. But if I’m getting seriously involved with somebody, don’t worry, we’ll talk about it.”
There are several reasons for not parading every date through your home, not to mention your bed. One is that it makes everyone (you, your date, and your adolescent) uncomfortable. A second reason is that your adolescent might jump to conclusions. If the adolescent is hoping you will remarry, each date will raise her hopes unnecessarily.
If the adolescent dreads the thought that you will remarry, each date will plunge her into needless despair. These reactions may seem silly to you. “It’s only a date” but your dates may seem far more significant to the adolescent than they do to you. A third reason is that, as an adult, you may engage in more sexually advanced behavior than you want for your son or daughter.
Establish Mutual Respect
As a newly single woman, you may sleep with someone on a first date, but do you want your daughter to do the same? Do you want your son to expect this with his dates? As a newly single man, you may go out with someone to whom you are sexually attracted but nothing more. Do you want your daughter to think these are all men want from a woman? Do you want your son to emulate your behavior?
The time to introduce someone to your adolescent as a boyfriend or girlfriend is when you and that person are becoming serious. You may or may not be contemplating marriage, but if the relationship is loving, significant, and steady, it is time for the people who are important in your life to meet one another. Leading a double life at this point is foolish. Moreover, before the relationship grows deeper, you will want to know how your adolescents and your lover get along. If the relationship continues to grow, you will want to include this person in your family life.
Certainly, you should not invite someone you just met or someone you are dating casually and do not see as a potential mate to spend the night. What if you are serious? This is a personal decision. In our view, there is nothing intrinsically wrong with a lover sleeping over or even moving in, after some time, if the two of you care deeply for each other and are contemplating a life together.
Many adults who have been through a divorce want to try living with someone before risking a second marriage. If the relationship is tentative, however, or if moving in is a way to hold someone who may not want to be held, this is a serious mistake. Your adolescent has already lost daily contact with one parent; don’t subject him to another loss.
Everything we’ve said here applies to fathers as well as mothers and to non-custodial as well as custodial parents. It also applies to parents who are having homosexual relationships. Adolescents are usually more accepting of homosexuality than their occasional, unthinking remarks suggest. If you are going to be openly gay, your child should find out from you. When young people learn that a parent is homosexual from a third party, they are often deeply hurt, not because the parent is gay, but because the parent didn’t trust the adolescent enough to discuss this significant matter.
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