The goal of collaborative problem-solving is to find a win-win solution that satisfies everyone. This approach takes more time and energy than the others we have described. It requires the unhappy family members to confront one another, which isn’t always pleasant. But in most cases, it minimizes hostility and hurt feelings and maximizes the chances that you will truly resolve the issue.
There are six basic steps to a collaborative problem-solving. Again, the formula may seem awkward at first, but after you’ve used it several times it will begin to seem more natural. This approach works best if you choose a time and place when both, you and the adolescent will not be distracted, limit the discussion to a specific issue, and secure in advance the adolescent’s agreement to try to work out a solution.
Step 1. Establish Ground Rules.
The ground rules for conflict resolution are essentially the rules of a fair fight. Each party agrees to treat the other party with respect — no name-calling, sarcasm, or put-downs — and to listen to the other person’s point of view. Parents can set the stage by stating at the beginning their desire to be fair. Let’s use the most frequent cause of conflict between parents and adolescents, the state of the adolescent’s room.
MOTHER: Susan, we’re arguing a lot about your room. I’d like to sit down and see if we can come up with a solution that both of us consider fair. Is this a good time to talk?
SUSAN: Yeah, I guess so.
MOTHER: I want you to understand how I feel about this, but I also want to understand how you feel.
SUSAN: Sure you do.
MOTHER: No sarcasm, okay? We’re trying to solve this together.
SUSAN: Okay.
Step 2. Reach Mutual Understanding.
The next step is to take turns being understood. This means that each of you will have the opportunity to say what you think the real problem is and how you feel about it. It’s important that you get it off your chest. But it’s also important to avoid loaded words and phrases, accusations and evaluations, and to focus on the issue, not on personalities. Each of you also has the right to be understood. This is where reflective listening comes in. When you’ve described the problem as you see it, let the adolescent speak her piece. Then rephrase the adolescent’s point of view and ask her to restate yours so that you are sure you understand each other.
MOTHER: The way you leave your room really bothers me, because I can’t get in there to vacuum and dust, and it looks so sloppy. Besides, things are always getting lost.
SUSAN: That’s not fair, how do you know things “always” get lost?
MOTHER: You’re right, but I worry things will be misplaced. You were late the other morning because you couldn’t find your blue sweater.
SUSAN: I suppose you never lose anything?
MOTHER: Well, you’ve got me there. Now tell me how you feel.
SUSAN: I don’t think my room is all that bad. I know where most of my stuff is, and I don’t see the point of cleaning up all the time. I get so tired of you nagging me about it.
MOTHER: Let me make sure I understand. You don’t think your room is that messy, you know where to find things, and you don’t like me telling you to clean up all the time.
SUSAN: Right.
MOTHER: And how do I feel about it?
SUSAN: You think my room is a disaster area, you can’t clean up, and things get lost.
MOTHER: Yes, that’s how I see it.
Step 3. Brainstorm.
The next step is for each of you to think of as many solutions to the problem as you can. The goal of brainstorming is quantity, not quality. At this stage, no idea should be rejected because it’s crazy, or too expensive, or one of you thinks it is dumb. Zany ideas can reduce tension and keep creative juices flowing. Set a time limit (five minutes should be enough), and write down everything you can think of. A list of solutions to the messy-room problem might include.
- Susan’s mother will stop bugging her about her room. Susan will put her dirty clothes in the laundry hamper every night and make her bed every morning.
- Susan will clean the room, but only when company is coming.
- Susan will close the door when company comes.
- Susan’s mother will limit room checks to once a week.
- Susan will move to an apartment over the garage.
- Susan and her dad will build a wall-size storage unit so that she has someplace to put all her stuff.
- Susan’s mom will clear some space in the hall closet for things Susan doesn’t use that often (like sports gear and off-season clothes).
- The family will hire a maid.
- Susan will straighten, vacuum, and dust her own room.
Step 4. Agree to One or More Solutions.
The best way to go about this is for each of you to select the options you like best. (Don’t discuss every single option; this can lead to endless, often fruitless, debate.) Then see where your interests coincide. Have you chosen any of the same options? Some give and take, or negotiation, will be necessary to this stage (Susan’s mother may agree to stop nagging if Susan picks up her clothes and makes the bed daily). And you need to think through the practical considerations (the family can’t afford a maid). But neither of you should agree to something you still find unacceptable.
Step 5. Write Down your Agreement.
This may sound excessively formal, but memory can be faulty. If either of you thinks the other has broken the agreement, you can refer to your contract. Make sure that the contract includes both what the adolescent is expected to do and what you are expected to do.
Susan will put her laundry in the hamper and make her bed each morning, straighten up once a week (not every day), and put clean clothes away promptly (the same day her mother does the laundry).
Mom will stop bugging Susan about her room; clean once a week, after Susan straightens; not put things away for Susan without asking her first; and give Susan two shelves in the hall closet.
Step 6. Set a Time for a Follow-up Discussion to Evaluate your Progress.
This is as important as the first five steps. One of you might not live up to the agreement, or the solution might not be as elegant as you thought, and you will have to work out the bugs.
This six-step formula can be applied to a variety of situations, from arguments over the adolescent’s curfew to decisions about family vacations. In some cases, you won’t be able to reach an agreement. When it comes to health and safety, you may have to make a unilateral decision. But adolescents are far more likely to go along with you when they participate in the decision-making process and when they see that you are taking their needs and desires seriously.
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