At one time or another, almost all adolescents worry that they might be homosexual. At the age when most children enter puberty, they are still homo-social that is, nearly all of their friends are members of the same-sex, and they spend most of their time with members of the same sex. As a result, they begin to experience sexual pangs before they have much contact with the opposite sex. A girl may find herself getting sexually excited during a tickling match with her best friend; a boy may get an erection when he thinks about all the wet naked bodies in the locker room. This does not mean they have homosexual inclinations; rather, their sexual development is temporarily ahead of their social development.
At one time or another, about half of all boys and a third of all girls play sex games (kissing experiments, group masturbation contests) with members of the same sex. These activities are motivated by curiosity, not sexual attraction. Most young people take these experiments for what they are as experiments. But some feel guilty and ashamed and begin to wonder about themselves.
In early adolescence, young people often develop “crushes” on a teacher or older child of the same sex. Some confuse hero-or heroine-worship with sexual attraction, particularly if their peers and parents tease them about their not-so-secret admiration.
Late developers (young people whose sex drive is not as strong as they think it “should” be) and older teens who are still virgins may doubt their heterosexuality, even if they have never felt attracted to a member of the same sex.
Gender Confusion
Finally, young people who do not fit sex stereotypes may be harassed by their parents as well as their peers. Exhorting a boy who cries when his feelings are hurt, or one who is interested in theater, not football, to “act like a man!” is both cruel and counterproductive. Forcing frilly dresses and dates with your friends’ sons on a girl who is most comfortable in a sweat suit and more interested in horses than boys right now won’t change her interests, but it will create conflict. The world puts enough pressure on young people to behave in sex-stereotyped ways; they don’t need more at home. Besides, these interests are not a “symptom” of “underlying” homosexuality.
There is no such thing as a latent homosexuality, a trait many adolescents attribute to themselves, even if they don’t know the term. Exaggerated fear or hatred of homosexuality, or a prurient interest in homosexuals, does not mean that a person “really is one.” It simply means that the person is afraid or hostile or nosy. To say someone is a latent homosexual makes about as much sense as saying all women are latently pregnant.
Looking back, many adult homosexuals say that they always knew, or that they remember the day they realized that they were gay. We suspect that this “certain knowledge” only developed through hindsight. Sexuality does not suddenly turn on, like a light bulb. Adolescence is a period of wondering, fantasizing, and experimenting, for everyone. Sexual commitments and preferences are still tentative.
What Causes Homosexuality?
No one knows why some individuals develop a homosexual orientation whereas the great majority becomes exclusively heterosexual. Attempts to trace homosexuality to single genetic flaws, over underproduction of sex hormones, specific family patterns (the domineering mother/weak father syndrome), or “critical experiences” have all foundered. This should not come as a surprise. Most human characteristics are the result of overlapping, interacting influences. Why should sexual orientation be easier to explain than, say, school performance? And why should it be simpler to explain why someone is gay than it is to explain why someone is straight?
Current thinking indicates that an individual’s sexual orientation is not a conscious or voluntary decision. There is nothing a parent can or should do to prevent a young adolescent from becoming gay or to “cure” an older adolescent or adult son or daughter of his or her sexual orientation Attempts to change an individual’s sexual orientation exact a heavy psychological price. Suspicion, lectures, and please will only add to the adolescent’s anxieties, whatever his or her sexual inclinations.
Is It Mental or Emotional Illness?
Homosexuality is not an illness. Homosexuals are no more likely than heterosexuals to suffer from emotional or psychological problems, though in our society, their lives are complicated by prejudice. Nor is homosexuality a physical illness. Some people object to homosexuality on moral or religious grounds. But it is important to distinguish between moral judgments and medical diagnoses.
Adolescents’ anxieties about homosexuality are a reflection of society’s judgments. Children learn at an early age that calling someone “faggot,” “queer,” “fairy,” “lesbo,” or “dyke” is the ultimate insult. They hurl these derogatory labels at one another without thinking, and often without knowing, what they mean. Attitudes toward homosexuality have become more tolerant in recent years, but tolerance is not acceptance. A person can still be denied a visa to the United States, discharged from the armed forces, or dismissed from a job in the FBI or CIA solely because he or she is homosexual.
Even though overt discrimination in other areas is against the law, many homosexuals live in fear of losing their jobs or their leases, not to mention their friends and families, if their orientation becomes known. Children should know this. The best evidence we have said that individuals are no more able to choose their sexual orientation than they are to choose their race, gender, or social class. Discrimination against homosexuals is as wrong as discrimination against racial and ethnic minorities or against women.
Young person who learn that homosexuality is simply a different way of loving, not a sickness or a perversion, are less likely to worry about their own thoughts and experiences.
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